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Jokes
Three Guys are Talking
Guy 1: There’s a coupla guys here at work that crack each other up by just blurting out the punch-line of a joke as they pass in the hallway. Drives me crazy when I'd hear one and have no idea what the joke is. I have a feeling they’ve just started making up punch-lines to jokes that don’t even exist.
Guy 2: I knew a bunch of guys that did the same thing. Got so old, that they just started referring to the jokes by number. Bob would walk by, yell out "43!" and everyone would giggle. I felt a little left out, so one day I yelled "87!" They all cracked up. Laughed so hard that they cried. I asked what was so funny about 87 that it got such a big reaction?
Bob said "We never heard that joke before."
Guy 3: Something like that happened to me. I yelled out "12", but nobody laughed. I asked why and was told, "Some people just can't tell a joke."
A piece of string walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, we don't serve string in here!" The string then sues the bar for discrimination.
The string wins the lawsuit and gets ownership of the bar. After a month of bartending, the string gets a visit by a member of the State Liquor License Board. The liquor board member tells the string that he is selling alcohol with an expired license, and that his bar will be closed down and he will be arrested. The string argues that he has paperwork in his back room that proves his liquor license is still valid. So the string walks into his room, telling the liquor license guy he'll be right back.
While in the back room, the string ties himself into a knot and frays both his ends. He then sneaks out the window and re-enters the bar through a different door.
The liquor license guy sees him and says, "Hey! Aren't you the string that owns this bar?" The string replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
Heisenberg was driving down the Autobahn whereupon he was pulled over by a policeman. The policeman asked, "Do you know how fast you were going back there? Heisenberg replied, "No, but I know where I am."
Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and comparing notes. "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on," the first one said. "You open them up and everything is numbered."
"I think librarians are the easiest to operate on," the second one offered. "You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The third one said, "I like engineers - they always understand when you have parts left over at the end."
"I prefer to operate on lawyers," said the fourth surgeon, the most experienced of the group. "They're heartless, spineless and gutless, and their heads and rear ends are interchangeable."
Son: "When I grow up, I want to be a musician."
Father: "I'm sorry son - you can't have it both ways."
A panda walked into a restaurant and ordered a sandwich and a drink. When he finished, he pulled out a pistol and shot up the place, scaring customers and breaking dishes, glasses and liquor bottles before turning to leave. Shocked, the manager said, "Hey, where are you going?"
The panda glanced back over his shoulder and said, "I'm a panda - look it up," before disappearing out the door.
The bartender pulled out a dictionary and thumbed through it until he found an entry for panda. The definition read, "A tree-dwelling animal of Asian origin characterized by distinct black-and-white markings. Eats shoots and leaves."
Overheard: "I'm tired of trying to keep up with the Joneses. Let's just drag them down to our level."
God: "Whew! I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth."
Angel: "What are you going to do now?"
God: "Call it a day."
Overheard: "I told the guy at the auto-parts store I wanted a windshield wiper for my Yugo. He said, 'That sounds like a fair exchange.'"
After marrying a much younger woman, a 93-year-old man visited his doctor and announced they were expecting a baby.
"Let me tell you a story," said the doctor. "An absent-minded fellow went hunting, but instead of a gun, he picked up an umbrella. Suddenly a lion charged him. Pointing his umbrella at the lion, he shot and killed the animal on the spot."
"Impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Somebody must have shot from the side!"
"Exactly," replied the doctor.
While vacationing in Europe, an oil sheik and his wife decided to send presents to their friends back home. They sauntered into an art gallery, where they picked out a van Gogh, a Rembrandt and a Picasso. "That will be 1.6 million American dollars," said the dealer.
The sheik paid in cash, then turned to his wife. "We've got the cards, now let's get the presents."
A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it. "This is the Klopman diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."
"What's the curse?" the man asked.
"Mr. Klopman."
Zack and his mule were walking down the road when one of Zack's friends drove up and offered him a ride to town. Zack got into the truck while his mule ran along behind. The mule was right in back of them as they reached 55, and stayed with them as they sped up to 70.
"I'm worried about your mule," said the driver. "His tongue's hanging out."
"Which way?" asked Zack.
"Left," his friend said.
"Well, stay in this lane - he's about to pass."
The philosopher René Descartes is sitting in a bar. The bartender says, "It's closing time. You want one for the road?"
Descartes says, "I think not."
And with that - poof! - he disappears.
Determined to "take it with him" when he died, a very rich man prayed until finally the Lord gave in. There was one condition: he could bring only one suitcase of his wealth. The rich man decided to fill the case with gold bullion.
The day came when God called him home. St. Peter greeted him, but told him he couldn't bring his suitcase. "Oh, but I have an agreement with God," the man explained.
"That's unusual," said St. Peter. "Mind if I take a look?" The man opened the suitcase to reveal the shining gold bullion.
St. Peter was amazed. "Why in the world would you bring pavement?"
Overheard: "When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather - not screaming like the passengers in his car."
A doctor, an engineer and a lawyer were arguing over whose profession was the oldest. "On the sixth day, God took one of Adam's ribs and created Eve," said the doctor. "So that makes him a surgeon first."
"Please," said the engineer. "Before that, God created the world from chaos and confusion, so he was first an engineer."
"Interesting," said the lawyer smugly, "but who do you think created the chaos and confusion?"
At an exhibition of the world's best swordsmen, the third-place fencer took the stage. A fly was released, and with an arc of his sword he cut the fly in half. The crowd cheered. Then the second-place man sliced a fly into quarters. A hush fell in anticipation of the world's greatest swordsman.
His blade came down in a mighty arc - but the insect continued on its way! The crowd was aghast. The greatest swordsman had missed his target completely, yet he continued to smile.
"Why are you so happy?" someone yelled. "You missed!"
"Ah," replied the swordsman, "you weren't watching very carefully. The fly lives, yes - but he will never be a father."
A young woman brought her fiancé home to meet her parents. After dinner her father asked the young man into his study for a chat. "So, what are your plans?" he began.
"I'm a theology scholar," the young man replied.
"Admirable," the father said, "but what will you do to provide a nice home for my daughter?"
"I will study and God will provide," he explained.
"And how will you afford to raise children?"
"God will provide."
The men left the study and the mother asked her husband, "How'd it go?"
"He has no money or employment plans," the father said. "But on the other hand, he thinks I'm God."
Robert, an experienced sky diver, was readying himself for a jump when he spotted another man outfitted to dive wearing dark glasses, carrying a white cane and holding a seeing-eye dog by a leash. Shocked that the blind man was going to jump, Robert struck up a conversation, expressing his admiration for the man's courage. Then, curious, he asked, "How do you know when the ground is getting close?"
"Easy," the blind man replied. "The leash goes slack."
Did you hear about the insomniac dyslexic agnostic? He stayed up all night wondering if there really was a dog.
A man visiting a graveyard saw a tombstone that read: "Here lies John Kelly, a lawyer and an honest man."
"How about that!" he exclaimed. "They've got three people buried in one grave."
"You have a very rare and extremely contagious condition," the doctor told his patient. "We're going to put you in an isolation unit, where you'll be on a diet of pancakes and pizza."
"Will pancakes and pizza cure my condition?"
"No," replied the doctor. "They're the only things we can slip under the door."
The movie producer was planning his next blockbuster - an action docudrama about famous composers. So he set up a meeting with Sylvester Stallone, Jean-Claude Van Damme and Arnold Schwarzenegger and offered them the chance to select which famous musicians they'd portray.
"I've always admired Mozart," Stallone said. "I'd love to play him."
"Chopin has always been my favorite," said Van Damme. "That's the part for me."
The producer turned to Schwarzenegger. "And you, Arnold? Who do you want to be?"
There was a long silence, then he replied, "I'll be Bach."
Two bikers were riding down a country road on a Harley. The driver's leather jacket wouldn't stay closed because the zipper had broken, so he pulled over. "Just put your jacket on backwards," his buddy suggested.
Then they zoomed off down the road, until they hit a curve at high speed and crashed. A farmer found them and called the police.
"Is either of them showing any sign of life?" asked the officer.
"Well, the first one was," replied the farmer, "until I turned his head around the right way."
Old Chinese Proverb Say:
"Man run in front of car; get tired."
"Man run in back of car; get exhausted."
"I see!" said the blind man to his deaf son, as he picked up his hammer and saw.
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